herobydefault | (no subject)

Current Mood: thinky hurts my hed owww

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Mark.
Senel.
Sora.
Misa, someone else I didn't recognize.
Duo.
A boy named Hijiri, I think his name was. Sounded like that.
...Kadaj.

Haruki.
Noishe.
Ahiru.
Kotori.

Am I missing anybody?

[[Accidental Voice]]

[There's a long pause, and then some background noises of someone moving things around.]

All in my head. MY head. She didn't deserve anything. Survival of the fittest, alien bitch. Teach you to mess with me.

Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it. [Murmured.] Don't talk about it either, Cloud.

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[Cloud's hand snaps out and grabs Zack's wrist.

He looks away.]

[And Zack stops immediately.]

...Yeah?

[Cloud avoids looking at Zack, but his grip tightens.]

...I don't...know what's wrong.

[Zack turns back and plops down right beside Cloud, pursing his lips.]

...Any clues?

I dunno. [Cloud just slumps beside Zack, his back against the bed and reaches up to rub his eyes.]

I just...I feel like I'm- skipping. Like a bad video feed. Like my memories aren't going straight in a timeline, and...when I go to sleep, I wake up somewhere else.

[Zack glances sidelong at him, arms on his knees.]

... Because you got your memories back.

I guess so. [Cloud shakes his head, dragging his hand through his hair.] Probably, yeah. Yeah.

[And all Zack can do is curse.]

Shit.

It's all in my head. My head, it's my problem. I can handle this.

[Cloud kind of just stares off at the toe of his left boot.] Don't think about it.

...I gotta ask you something.

[Zack's quiet for a minute, looking ahead at the wall.]

Can you even do that?

[Cloud flinches. Draws his knee up. Hides his face against it.]

No. Weak, weakling.

[Zack watches him carefully, but doesn't move, not wanting to make him flinch again.]

You're not a weakling, Spike. If I had that much shit dumped in my head I'd have issues too. We just have to work through it somehow.

You do. [Digging fingers into bangs now, not lifting his head.]

Have this shit in your head. And you're fine. Something's wrong, really wrong.

I didn't get it all at once, though. I had four years to take it in. And I didn't have a crazy bitch's voice in my head. I'm not as strong as you think I am, Cloud.

[Unable to help it, Zack reaches out and brushes his fingers through Cloud's hair. He hates to see his friend in pain like this.]

It's- [Cloud fidgets, but stills a bit at Zack's touch. Feels like home.]

...like it's... [He struggles to put words to what exactly the problem is.] There's a...flicker at the edge of everything I think and...and I can't help but look at it, but when I do it goes away. And I think it's- I can't concentrate sometimes, have to keep myself busy. But once I don't have something to focus on, I keep seeing that flicker, and then it whispers and sometimes I agree and sometimes I don't...sometimes I just wish it would be quiet, but it's what I'm thinking. It's not good, not good.

Edited 2009-01-01 09:02 (UTC)

... Cloud...

[Zack swallows hard, trying so damn hard not to look spooked. He wants to help, wants to be supportive, and to do that he can't get spooked. But it's hard.]

This is going to be hard, man, but you have to keep talking about it. Don't shut it in, and screw my advice - don't stop thinking about it either. I couldn't help Seph last time because he wouldn't let me. I... I can't let that happen to you.

Edited 2009-01-01 09:08 (UTC)

I'm going crazy, right? Like he did. [Cloud's hand in his hair begins to shake, and he pulls tighter into himself.]

Holy, I don't want to- I read somewhere that actually crazy people don't think they're crazy, but that's what's happening to me, right? I'm getting there. I'm starting to go there, and this time I can't just go into a coma and run away and forget, not again not again never again-...

[Shit, shit shit. Zack moves immediately, grabbing his shoulder and tugging Cloud against himself, holding him close, one hand closing over Cloud's in his hair.]

Keep talking. Come on, Cloud, keep talking. I gotta hear what you're thinking.

[He's no therapist. He has no idea how to deal with this...]

Don't let me hurt anyone.

[It's out of his mouth before Cloud even recalls thinking it, but after the fact he realizes it's exactly what he wants to say and he just wilts.]

Promise.

[Zack knows what he's talking about without needing to think either, and it kills him inside but it takes no hesitation at all to respond.]

I promise.

Thanks. [Cloud closes his eyes, feeling the first bit of peace he'd been able to since taking the spice. After a moment he gives a wry laugh, brief and a little hoarse.]

Always saving me, aren't you Zack? One of these days I'll pay you back. I'll get you home. I'll get us all home, promise. Promise.

I know you will, Spike. You know, you probably saved my life after we got out of Nibelheim. I would've gone crazy on the run without you to talk to, if the lab hadn't killed my sanity first.

[He doesn't let go of Cloud, stroking his hair a little, wanting to console him in any way he could. Cloud wasn't exactly the touchy-feely type, but sometimes a good hug did wonders.]

[Cloud mumbles. Alexander's light, he's tired.]

You chattered on like a five-year-old. It was funny, and sad.

[It stings, a little, but Zack quirks a smile anyway.]

I did, you're right. Chattered, babbled, rambled, anything to hear the sound of my own voice. Pretty pathetic, huh?

[Cloud shakes his head as much as he can with Zack clutching it to his chest.]

Not sad pathetic. Sad, sad.

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[Action] *hits you with ultimate sadface icon*

[Action] hits you with ultimate sadface icon